East Coast Offense: Giving Reluctant Thanks

This article is part of our East Coast Offense series.

Giving Reluctant Thanks

It's but an accident of timing that I'm writing this. That I should have my best week in roughly five years heading into Thanksgiving forced my hand. 

Most people have heard gratitude is correlated with happiness, long life and wealth. And that the opposite -- discontentment, frustration and rage -- bring about the reverse. Maybe that's true, the patronizing tone in which such advice is typically dispensed notwithstanding. But if everyone were grateful, how would things ever improve? It reminds me of the George Bernard Shaw quote:

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

There's too much complacency, too much gratitude, too much easy-way-out reasonableness in this world. In Venice Beach, where I used to live, there's now a restaurant called Cafe Gratitude. I would never set foot in there, obviously, but I've walked by it and fantasized about opening a place across the street called, "Cafe **** Off." (I've also fantasized about opening a casino on the Vegas strip opposite The Wynn called "Lou's". I'd make our slogan, "Lose at Wynn, but Win at Lou's.")

So writing about gratitude is not only off brand, so to speak, it's antithetical to my beliefs about the world. And yet, Week 12 went my way to such an extent, I can't help but feel happy about it. It wasn't just the 11-3 ATS, but that my two best bets (Seahawks and Titans) were never in doubt. And it's not just that my fantasy teams went 5-0, but they did so improbably with some of my best players on the bench, and despite some bad lineup decisions (Derek Carr for Daniel Jones, Mark Andrews for George Kittle, Jamison Crowder for Marquise Brown in one.)

I had so little to complain about, I let Jeff Erickson down on our SXM show when he asked me to go on a rant. I grumbled lamely about Frank Gore passing a real great, Barry Sanders, on the all-time rushing list, but I don't really care about that. Mostly, I'm just trolling people who fall for that "class-act" nonsense announcers like to push because they think it makes them seem virtuous.

I even let other thoughts of gratitude slip into my consciousness -- the idea that I watch NFL games as part of my job, for example. Granted, the NFL has been a ref-show-riddled farce for most of the year, and I wouldn't be stuck for seven hours a Sunday on the sofa if I had the choice (maybe four or five, tops), but it could be worse. And it's insane to think I used to have to watch night games in real time with all the noxious ads when now I can stream the 40-minute version from my laptop from a hotel on the beach if need be. 

It reminds me of the Louis C.K. bit where the guy in the seat next to him on a plane is complaining about the internet, and he's like: "Did you partake in the miracle of human flight? You're sitting in a chair, in the sky!" But as I said, I'm with the other guy -- air travel should be so much better. 

But for this week, I'll make one last concession to the gratitude zealots, many of whom will suffer and die miserable deaths nonetheless: I'll let myself enjoy Week 12, happy that things broke my way to an unreasonable extent. And if I go 2-1 ATS on Thanksgiving, who knows what kind of complacent NLM* I might become? 

*nutless monkey

Week 13 Trivia

Apropos of Frank Gore passing Barry Sanders on the all-time rushing list, can you name the top-25 career yards-from-scrimmage leaders?

Guessing the Lines

Wow, I wanted to be on all three favorites Thanksgiving Day, but it turns out I'm on all three dogs by a point each. The market apparently wanted it more than I did. 

At first glance, my best bets look like the Bengals (with Andy Dalton back), the 49ers, the Steelers, Dolphins, Cardinals and Raiders. Of course, I reserve the right to change my mind in Beating the Book. 

Week 12 Observations

• What a dominant performance by the 49ers in every phase. They're the best team in the NFL – at least as of Week 12. George Kittle is a faster version of peak Rob Gronkowski. Whether he's the greatest TE of all time will depend mostly on health. 

• Still waiting for retractions from the Packers mob that descended when I said Davante Adams was a mediocre talent for a first-round fantasy pick. Luckily for me, he scored his first TD of the year in Week 12, but 12 targets for 43 yards is light centuries away from the league's dynamic talents. The Packers are a good team, but Aaron Jones is the only offensive skill player capable of a big play, and unless you're the 2000 Ravens it's not enough. 

• The Patriots can't run the table with this style, can they? The Cowboys coached by Garrett are one thing, but they'll need more against the Ravens and whoever makes it out of the NFC. 

• I saw a rumor the Giants might hire Garrett in 2020 should Jerry Jones fire his yes-man, and the Giants part ways with Pat Shurmur. I'm dubious in part because Ian Rapoport so often reports empty click bait, but also because neither coach is certain to lose his job. But it makes me ever-so-slightly nervous because John Mara and the Giants front office is dumb enough to do it. And Mara (who was pushing a moldy Eli five years beyond his consume-by date) is a sucker for the "class act" type. 

• Garrett's FG to cut the lead to four with six minutes left on 4th-and-7 from the 12 was bad, but even worse, the Cowboys played the series like it was three-down territory all the way, throwing it on second and third downs and not trying to set up a 4th and short. It was especially bad given how strong the Patriots are at pass defense and how good the Dallas run game is. 

Moreover, the Cowboys had trouble moving the ball all day, especially through the air. The odds they'd get back to that area of the field again, let alone get into the end zone quickly against that pass defense were long. As usual Garrett was playing to postpone the loss, while his counterpart was playing to win. 

• What if Ryan Tannehill was always good, but just playing in a terrible situation the first seven years of his career? It looks like he's more than a stopgap right now, both in fantasy and for the Titans. 

• Derrick Henry is such a monster. On his 74-yard TD run, he shoved the DB out of the way like he was swatting a gnat. 

• The other miracle (assuming I get there tonight) was Leonard Fournette, who had only one TD all year heading into Week 12 and saw his team down 35-3. Somehow he scored twice on the ground and caught nine passes, giving me a chance in my other NFFC league. 

• Nick Foles is okay, but he's not the future, so the Jaguars might want to let Gardner Minshew have a final audition down the stretch. 

• Apparently it was Chris Godwin day again in Tampa. For some reason Jameis Winston gives all the production to one or the other and rarely shares between them in a given game. It doesn't matter to me because in the only league I have either, I have both. Godwin's on pace for 102 catches, 1,558 receiving yards and 13 TDs, Evans: 90-1,517-10. 

• So much for the Falcons new defense. 

• It was sad to see Frank Gore pass an actual great (Barry Sanders) on the all-time rushing list. Nothing against Gore, he belongs in the Hall of the Very Good And Surprisingly Durable. And no doubt he's already been elected to the Hall of the Class Act, along with Manning and Garrett. But he's to Sanders what Davante Adams is to Sterling Sharpe. 

• The QB Josh Allen reminds me most of is Cam Newton. Great runner with a more bruising style than other QBs and steals a lot of TDs from his running backs. 

• John Brown finally failed to crack 50 receiving yards 12 weeks into the year. 

• Daniel Jones had a tough game in Chicago, but the TD throw on 4th and 18 was an amazing play that got them the cover too. A perfect outcome, as the Giants are currently in line for the No. 2 pick. 

• Saquon Barkley looked healthy to me, though he went out of bounds to avoid contact a couple times and dropped an easy catch with lots of green in front of him. 

• Darius Slayton looks like the team's No. 1 receiver for 2020. 

• Piling on Mitchell Trusbisky is as useful at this point as piling on the Redskins QB. Both are Haskins cases. 

• Speaking of which, I didn't watch much of Redskins-Lions, but I was informed Haskins missed Terry McLaurin twice for easy scores. Given I have McLaurin everywhere, I'm not planning to go back and watch. 

• Myles Garrett should have gloat-tweeted when Mason Rudolph got benched. 

• The Bengals offense isn't any better, but somehow Joe Mixon's been decent the last few weeks. He made an incredible run when he was dead to rights five yards behind the line and turned it into a positive gain. 

• No doubt Kallen Ballage has the goods on someone in the Dolphins organization. Otherwise, he'd have been cut weeks ago. 

• Nick Chubb had an encouraging game. It's not the TD – against Miami that was expected – or the 20 carries, but the three catches for 58 yards. Kareem Hunt vultured a TD and saw his season-high in carries (eight), but Chubb can still be a monster if he stays relevant in the passing game. 

• Baker Mayfield had a great first half, looked en route to a monster game, but did nothing the last 30 minutes. You can only expect so much from a Freddie Kitchens team. 

• Christian McCaffrey had only 64 yards rushing, but had a ton of opportunities inside the five, scored twice and had nine more catches. There's nothing left to say. 

• As long as Michael Thomas is healthy, no way the Saints won't get him the all-time receptions record. 

• Joey Slye extinguished any remote hope the Panthers had of making the playoffs. 

• As a Giants fan, I shudder to think, what if Sam Darnold is actually good?

• The Raiders showed up flat to an early body-clock east-coast game. I wouldn't read too much into it. 

• Carson Wentz has been missing his best receivers for most of the year, but he's not doing the Eagles any favors, missing easy throws and turning the ball over. How the Seahawks were actually getting points in that game boggles my mind. 

• Russell Wilson missed a wide open TD to Jacob Hollister, a rare gaffe for a top-five all-time QB. The Seahawks still won easily, Wilson got 8.0 YPA and could have had more had D.K. Metcalf held onto a couple deep throws.

• Lamar Jackson is in Christian McCaffrey/Michael Thomas territory now. He does it every week, and there's not much left to say about it. He's on pace for 3,530 passing yards, 35 TD passes, seven interceptions, 1,274 rushing yards and nine rushing TDs. In a lot of scoring systems, that would make him the highest scoring fantasy quarterback of all time. 

• Mark Ingram has always been a good player, but no one has been more fortunate situationally – first he was in the Saints elite attack, and now he's part of this Ravens juggernaut. Gus Edwards (and occasionally Justice Hill) rotate in, but Ingram sees 15 quality carries (often near the goal line) and a few targets almost every week. 

• Marquise Brown scored twice and led the team with seven targets. He looks healthy and should be key in games against better opponents. If the 49ers (this week) figure out the Jackson-Ingram problem, Brown can make them pay down the field for using extra resources there. 

• Mark Andrews is a poor man's Travis Kelce – he's the big-play tight end that can run after the catch. He actually fumbled on one play Monday night, but the announcers twisted themselves in knots to justify it as incomplete after the refs ruled it that way. 

• The Ravens secondary is now much stronger with Jimmy Smith back and Marcus Peters in the fold, joining Marlon Humphrey. They will be a tough out in the playoffs, and it doesn't hurt to have the best kicker in NFL history, either. 

• The Rams season is over given how tough it is to make the playoffs in the NFC. More concerning, Jared Goff's and Todd Gurley's contracts look worse by the week. 

• It looks like Robert Woods is back, at least. 

• It was bizarre when genius Sean McVay punted on 4th-and-2 from his 33 down 35-6 midway through the third quarter. If he wanted to give up, why not pull Goff, Gurley and the rest of the starters?